My first memory of my grandpa is that he stepped awkwardly into the hall of my preschool. He picked me up every day.
I lived with my grandparents before college, and I am sure I am the favorite grandchild of my grandpa, although I am not the firstborn grandson. I am the second one. The firstborn son is considered the most important son in the family in Asian culture. However, I am the only grandson who can fluently chat with him in Taiwanese, which is my grandpa’s native language and also mine. Speaking Taiwanese in public was illegal in Taiwan for decades due to complex political issues. Accordingly, most Taiwanese young people barely speak in Taiwanese nowadays.
My grandpa always wanted me to get a PhD degree in the U.S. because that is his American dream. His highest level of education achieved was elementary school. He had hearing issues since childhood. In that time and circumstances, he was unable to get proper care and be educated formally. Without a decent education, he needed to work harder than others to get a good job. Life was challenging for him. In his dream, having a PhD in the United States meant having a good life in a free world. Yet, that was not an affordable option for me. I was busy making money to pay bills rather than borrowing money to pursue an uncertain future.
Still, about one year ago, I got a job offer to work in the United States. Maybe it’s God’s blessing. I took that chance and moved there to start a new life. My grandpa was so happy about that. He thought I might be able to achieve his American dream.
Three months after moving here, in the middle of October, I got a phone call from my mom. She said: “Some signs show your grandpa’s death is coming. He cannot remember things. He is lying in bed all day and is asleep most of the time. We don’t know how long this will last. He is too old”.
After hanging up the phone, I searched for a flight ticket back to Taiwan. It’s bloody expensive, and I don’t have many time-offs. I was not sure if I should go back to Taiwan immediately. I just started my new job in another country and was assigned a challenging project. I don’t want to mess it up. It’s my first project of my first job in the United States. In the end, I booked tickets on the Thanksgiving days.
I called home every week to check on my grandpa. However, there was only one time he was awake. I had a video chat with him. During our conversation, he looked at the camera and said: “The girl next to you is pretty. You should marry her”. I said, “Well, she is already your granddaughter-in-law”. Then he laughed and said he couldn’t remember things these days, and we chatted until he was tired. Later, a few minutes after hanging up, my mom called me again and said: “Your grandpa asked me to push you for a PhD”. I just laughed about it. My parents never pushed me for a PhD themselves. They are pretty happy about my master’s degree since they don’t even have a chance to attend college.
Two weeks later, my grandpa passed away. I genuinely regretted I was not being there with him. I rearranged an earlier ticket back to Taiwan once I got the message.
After the funeral, I told my mom I was truly sorry I was not being there with him. But my mom said: “It’s fine. You are not the firstborn son. It’s okay”. I didn’t know what I should feel when I heard this. However, it made me think: “Did my grandpa care about that? What does my grandpa care?”. I don’t know, and I still don’t have an answer today. But one thing for sure is that I will ensure I have a better life than his.